*basically this is an out-pour of parts of my story and the wisdom that others have imparted on me. I in no way know everything nor do I claim these things to help you but I know that this has helped me so should it speak to one person then so be it.*
a year of singleness may seem like a long time but it pales in comparison to the eighteen I have backing it up previously. it also is but a little blip in time compared to the eternity that I will spend with my true love Jesus. a year of singleness may seem horrible to someone who so deeply wants to get married, thinking, “what if ‘the one’ comes along and I miss him because I’m staying single” Let me tell you something, if he really is the one he will be there at the end of the year. The wonderful thing about God being in control and already having our stories written is that we women need not worry about chasing or pursuing the right man. Just as the Lord daily pursues us, we will be pursued by our future husband but how can we recognize this pursuit if we first don’t dwell in the relentless pursuit of Jesus Christ after us.
February 2017 I began a year of intentional singleness. (I wanted to call it intentional because I have been single my whole life so what is another year if it is not intentional). When I began the year I was selfish in it, that being some of the reasons I justified the year with… “Well no one is going to be interested in me anyways so I might as well be single”… “Hey if anyone I don’t like asks me out it is an easy excuse to say no”… “Maybe people will think I am a super holy Christian”… and such and so on…but man did God work on my heart.
For the first time being I started by listening to some tapes on singleness. I kind of wallowed in myself still hoping and scoping for “the one” uggghhh that term just thinking about it makes me low-key cringe because back in my desperate days I IDOLIZED the term “the one” looking around literally every corner hoping he would be there when I should have been opening my mouth in prayer and my bible in expectation because Jesus was there all the time, all along, waiting patiently for me to recognize His significance in my life and how He is the only one who is going to make me happy and wholly content (but that is a whole other story).
Before even doing anything I made one crucial decision in my journey…stop idolizing marriage. For me personally I was purposefully putting myself in situations where I would think about marriage non-stop. oh boy was I not putting God first in that area. My first decision was to delete all my Pinterest boards regarding the future (marriage, wedding, babies, my future life). I also made the decision to stop watching the genre of romantic movies, I didn’t need that in my life. It is amazing that when you take away distractions you focus on God more, you have more time to spend with the Lord and you get to dwell in the wonderful notion that the Lord has everything, and I mean EVERYTHING under control.
In my year I decided to (after listening to the first set of tapes) start by reading a book (other than the bible) called Kingdom Woman written by Tony Evans and Chrystal Evans Hurst. Here are some of the things that I underlined in the book….
“A woman made in the image of God should never settle for being treated as anything less than an image-bearer of the one true King.” As Abraham Lincoln said, “Nothing stamped with the divine image and likeness was sent in the world to be trodden on.” (page 5)
This quote started me on the journey of my worth. I am made in the image of God and I honestly do not have to settle for anything less than God’s best (for me). I often think that I will not find anyone in the future so I should go ahead and settle now, but that is not what my Lord is all about. He designed me to give me the best. He has hand picked, hand crafted, and hand made the exact man that I will have in my future and who am I to reject the best and settle to being treated as less than who I am.
“Therefore, a kingdom woman may be defined as “a woman who positions herself under and operates according to the rule of God over every area of her life.” (page 9)
every area…every…single…one. There was so many things that I thought I was super chill and content with but when I began to submit one to the Lord, He would bring up another. He really honored my commitment to Him and began pruning me in a way that I never had before, at times it was rough and my eyes were so blinded I couldn’t even see that what I was going through wasn’t something just rough but it was something the Lord was bringing up to heal and take out. It is rough man but worth it, pruning is hard and not fun but when you come out on the other side and look back you can say, “wow my God is so good, good in the midst of my pain and good when I am healed.”
“God loves a seasoned sister – a kingdom woman who chooses to be filled with His love and power – whether or not she has any of her own to draw from.” (page 65)
Rely on God man.
“In 1 Samuel we saw that Hannah had gone for years without a child because God had closed her womb. Yet Hannah’s situation changed when she wept bitterly before the Lord and vowed to Him that she would give “it” – her child – to Him if He would give “it,” a child, to her. She gave up her son before God even gave her one.” (page 86)
I got to give it up over and over and by it I mean my future Husband. I have come to realize just like Hannah gave up her son before God even gave her one, I need to give my husband and our relationship to the Lord before the Lord even gives it to me. If I can’t do it now what makes me think I will be able to easily do it when I am in that moment.
“The longer I live, the more time I have to learn that control is only an illusion and that God is the only sure source of security, solace, and surety. The longer I live, the more I come to understand that, like the widow, all I’ve got is God, and prayer is one of the ways I demonstrate my dependence on Him.” (page 125)
I try to control so many aspects of my life but my control is an illusion. The Lord has changed my heart and worked on me widely. I try to find my security and more largely my contentment or happiness in relationships other than the Lord, this is said time and time again but until I gave to Him my relationships and my right to them then did I recognize the importance of first being so solid with Jesus. I think that it is often to believe the myth that everything will be fixed when I get married…but nah. I gotta take care of the hurt, the pain, the hard stuff for the healing to come now.
Advice taken from: Jeremy Fosters’ series (Mixtape: Love, Sex, & Marriage) also available on podcast called Jeremy Foster: Love, Sex, & Dating.
Get a clear vision of the kind of life that you want (if you don’t have a blue print you can’t build the building) you cannot work off of no plans.
Proverbs 29:18 “When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful.” NLT “Without revelation people run wild, but one who listens to instruction will be happy. ” HCSB
Having a plan, laying out your life (and obviously leaving room for Jesus to work). For me when I recognized the calling that I had on my life I had the realization of how my future husband will fit into that plan. I do not need to go out of my way to find someone. I have the easy job; chasing after God and the closer I get to Jesus the closer I come to my (potential) future mate.
for me specifically I am called to Thailand. I had the reveltion of why am I looking for a man here and hoping he is called to Thailand when I can follow the calling Jesus has laid on my heart, move to Thailand and meet a man who is there already becasue he was called to Thailand. *disclaimer: I do not doubt Gods’ ability to bring me a mate anywhere in the world but this revelation helped me stop hoping and scoping with every step I took*
Another thing about planning that is very important is boundaries. When you have a clear plan there are no unknowns and you are not leaving room for the enemy to twist things, but if you are clear on your plans and BE SPECIFIC then it makes resisting temptation that much easier.
We are looking for someone to complete us but no one can complete us but Jesus Christ, God is your better half
Colossians 6:2-10 (you are complete with your union with Christ.) “So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority.”
Being complete in Christ. I too was stuck on the thinking of “I can’t wait until I find my other half.” But nah I am not a half right now. I am whole. I am complete. I am full. All in Christ. So why look to the world, why look to a man, why look to the future when I can look to the Father now and find wholeness of my identity in the scripture and the truths of Jesus.
She was taken from below his arm that he might protect her, she was taken from above his feet that he might not step on her, she was taken from his side and not behind him, she was taken from beside his heart so that he might love her with all a man loves the woman.
this is just deep and I really like it.
I have learned so much over this year and so much of it I have not included. I am continuing to soak in my singleness (not perfect, but my God is). I am reaching for all the teaching I can get just simply chasing after Jesus as a confident woman. And the more I chase after Jesus the more I realize how not ready I am. lol I can barely handle myself what makes me thinking I am ready for a partner haha. I am just so overjoyed that Jesus accepts me for who I am and He is patient with me as I learn and navigate this adventure called life.
for real though hit me up if you have any questions, comments, concerns about my singleness and life in general I would be more than happy to answer them.
also prayer is powerful so in the waiting pray. pray for yourself (it isn’t selfish to pray for yourself). pray for your future mate (I’m sure they are struggling too and need the good Lord to come in clutch).