trust

personal…real personal. 

Called to missions. By God. Who is in control. So I must listen. I choose to listen because I love Him. I choose to listen because I would wreck myself making my own plans. I would be lost literally and in my mind. I would run and grow weary, but because of Him I run far and always rest in His holy arms. I want to listen, I want to follow. So I go. 

What is hard for me is how can I carry on. I sit down for my quiet time with Jesus and ask Him to hold me. Tears fall while I am in His arms. I talk to Jesus and listen. I’m here God where you told me to go but my emotions are all that’s around me. I miss my family, I missed them before I even left. How Lord am I supposed to be a full time missionary always away from the ones I love. Across the world in numerous dark places where the enemy will lurk but how am I supposed to show love when that’s all I want to have for myself. I don’t want to give away what I crave for my self. I want to be in the presence of my family.

As I sit and as I pour out my words and my tears to my beloved, I know He listens. He is patient with me. He waits to hear all I have to say with out interrupting. Once I am quiets His wisdom flows. He says I’m here. I’m your family. I have so freely given you love. It’s here. I’m here. You serve me with what I have given you. 

I hear him. I hear you Lord. I keep speaking saying give me a revelation God. I say I can’t keep going without understanding. But that’s when I am put in my place, Lucy you will never understand everything the Lord is doing. So long as you believe He is good. You will be okay. So long as you believe He is powerful. You will be okay. So long as you believe He is love. You will be okay. Who am I to say I won’t continue if I don’t understand the Creator. The one my mind is too small to even hold a fraction of, but worthy enough still of His love and attention. Then I am reminded of these wise words:

And now I’m like okay God you might as well just throw it all out at me, I’m already crying so we might as well continue. We sit together and as I weep He calmly and quietly tells me more. He says you need to love me more than you love your family. You need to love your family less than you love me. Yes you can love them an enormous amount but you need to love me enormous +1. Okay God I’m willing but I don’t know how. Yes I know how to love you but I need help. And as I cry out for help He quiets me and assures me He is still here, always has been, and always will be. God now is speaking in surround sound to me. I hear him in my prayers, I see his word 

…and as my music plays I hear the spontaneous song sing “how could we not fall hopelessly in love with you…I am my beloveds’ and He is mine.” 

My prayers and thoughts continue into the next day and I sit down to speak and spend time and listen. I say you Lord said if anyone lacks wisdom let him as you. I am asking you for wisdom. What to do. I know you call me, but Jesus. I scribble my prayers onto the paper. I close my eyes and meditate on the words being spoken in my mind in my song and in His word. Then as I begin to open my eyes are directed by the Lord down onto my paper. I see “I think trust I do, but Jesus.” What is God is the fact that nothing of this is actually written on the paper but I see trust. Trust. He speaks to me and says it’s Trust. My doubt of what to do comes from my lack of trust. And again He speaks to me all over and I hear in the song: “I can rest assured because I belong to you.”

I sit and still don’t understand but I am content knowing that my Father does. I love my family and I love the missions but I more need to lov the Lord. Above all. Above ALL. I need to love Him.